The New Year reminds many of us that we still carry over with us from the previous year(s) unfinished business. Unfortunately for many children, the unfinished business is that of their parents challenges with figuring out how to co-parent effectively. As a mediator, my workload shifts from general conflicts to family issues, primarily needs around creating or modifying a parenting plan. This unfolds usually with one parent who has been part of a co-parenting plan that has had to compromise and due to changing circumstances or unwillingness to take it anymore, contacts the mediator in hopes of getting the other parent to be open to meet with them and hear options for making changes to the plan. If these parents had also gone through a divorce, the parenting plan that their attorney "helped" them get more than likely set up one or both of the parents for frustration and failure. They may have already been financially and emotionally drained through the court process and are hoping to find a collaborative and less adversarial process to discuss the desired changes.
Notice in the above paragraph, I do not once mention the children for whom this co-parenting plan was supposedly developed for. That is because many of these plans are not developed with the needs of the children as the primary focus. Unfortunately it becomes about parent "rights" and power over the other parent. Even the name of "parenting" plan excludes the child's voice; it is not the child plan or child sharing or child raising plan. And if you have an attorney "working" for you, that attorney is not working for your child and the parenting plan that they "get" for you may not really take what your child needs into consideration.
What does your child want and need? What about their rights for self-determination? Ask any child, even an adult of divorced parents, what they want from their parents and for themselves. I offer these universal child needs:
1. To have parents that can get along when it comes to me
2. To have access to both parents
3. To have access to extended family
4. To not have to choose between parents
5. To not have to deal with adult issues
6. To be the person that I want to be and not have my parents' issues get in the way of that
7. To be kind to each other
8. To have my needs of love, security and shelter met
Children deserve more than what our patriarchal divorce system offers to them. They did not choose to be born, they did not choose you as parents, they did not choose to have you decide that you no longer love each other and they certainly did not decide that it was okay for either of you to use the child as a pawn in your attempts to hurt or have power over the other.
Merle Weiner, a professor of law at University of Oregon School of Law, has offered the concept of Parent-Partner Status. She has published a text book of the same name. Her motivation for this book comes from the realization that two people can have a child together and have no legal obligation to each other as parents; the law clearly defines the obligations of marriage between 2 people but not as 2 people that are parents in common. There is no statute protecting the rights of children as products of a union between 2 parents. Ms. Weiner is an advocate for children's rights and does so as an expert and professor of law. Link here to learn more about her work.
I happened to hear Ms. Weiner on OPB as I drove into work one day. Apparently I am not alone in my frustration with our system. I had recently coined the term "preconceptual" agreement that borrows from the "prenuptial" agreement that many people agree to prior to marriage. The idea of the preconcep is that partners have a written agreement about how they will co-parent should the two of them break-up in the future. With the increase in single parents and over 50% of marriages ending in divorce, to not have this discussion and agreement prior is both naive and irresponsible. This agreement could be very simple: it would reflect the 8 needs that I have offered above.
It is a New Year and we have the awareness and opportunity to create different outcomes for our families and children. I hope the seed is planted, that you feel some discomfort and concern. I will follow up on my next blog on how we can create healthier families and children through the idea of "preconceptual" agreements.
Sunday, January 31, 2016
Sunday, January 3, 2016
Equality in our Laws
Every generation has its thematic movements and issues. We have had women's rights, civil rights, constitutional rights, anti-war opposition, etc. In 2016, is history repeating itself or is the true theme that we have yet to constructively address the issues? The movements I have mentioned are all based on rights: rights to equality, right to self-determination, right to marry legally, right to carry a gun, rights to equal justice, rights to practice (or not practice) religion. Why are we still not addressing the underlying issues in our society? And in an election year, why aren't we supporting or identifying leadership that is part of the solution; not a distraction from what really matters to Americans and all humans for that matter?
The latter part is something that I do understand as a mediator. After listening to 100's of individuals in conflict, I have learned that humans truly all have the same basic needs: food, shelter, security, ability to take care of self and family. Frequently these are the only issues that are considered when addressing societal issues by our leaders. Consider Maslow's Hierarchy of needs: love and belongingness, self esteem and achieving mastery as we self-actualize. In the first two levels of physiological and biological, and safety needs, much emphasis is placed on "laws" in our society. However, "laws" are not applied evenly. When our laws are created by a particular sect in society, say ones that are able to achieve the higher levels of needs due to their societal "privelege", the "laws" may prevent others who are not of the same privelege from even meeting their own need of safety and security. Or perhaps the way safety and security are attained looks very different from the "law" makers.
While I have had the opportunity to live where I was a minority, I could always hop on a plane and return to a society where I could exercise my "white" privilege. Granted, as a middle-aged woman, I do experience a certain amount of discrimination: wage equality and gender bias. I have learned to adapt and create opportunities for myself that are outside of the limited thinking that would otherwise impact my ability to self-actualize.
Next week, I will be participating in a community forum to dialog about racism. While I hope that I am not completely blind to it, I do want to understand my role in it and what I can do to address my biases, create equitable opportunities and reduce racism in our community. I am both excited and nervous about my participation and look forward to challenging my own beliefs and ideas.
In 2016, one of my goals is to be more comfortable and understanding of challenges and opportunities for people who are not like me and to stop thinking of these issues as "their" problem. We are all in this together; let's start thinking together to create a society that allows for equal rights for all.
The latter part is something that I do understand as a mediator. After listening to 100's of individuals in conflict, I have learned that humans truly all have the same basic needs: food, shelter, security, ability to take care of self and family. Frequently these are the only issues that are considered when addressing societal issues by our leaders. Consider Maslow's Hierarchy of needs: love and belongingness, self esteem and achieving mastery as we self-actualize. In the first two levels of physiological and biological, and safety needs, much emphasis is placed on "laws" in our society. However, "laws" are not applied evenly. When our laws are created by a particular sect in society, say ones that are able to achieve the higher levels of needs due to their societal "privelege", the "laws" may prevent others who are not of the same privelege from even meeting their own need of safety and security. Or perhaps the way safety and security are attained looks very different from the "law" makers.
While I have had the opportunity to live where I was a minority, I could always hop on a plane and return to a society where I could exercise my "white" privilege. Granted, as a middle-aged woman, I do experience a certain amount of discrimination: wage equality and gender bias. I have learned to adapt and create opportunities for myself that are outside of the limited thinking that would otherwise impact my ability to self-actualize.
Next week, I will be participating in a community forum to dialog about racism. While I hope that I am not completely blind to it, I do want to understand my role in it and what I can do to address my biases, create equitable opportunities and reduce racism in our community. I am both excited and nervous about my participation and look forward to challenging my own beliefs and ideas.
In 2016, one of my goals is to be more comfortable and understanding of challenges and opportunities for people who are not like me and to stop thinking of these issues as "their" problem. We are all in this together; let's start thinking together to create a society that allows for equal rights for all.
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Singing Hearts
Talk Like TED by Carmine Gallo caught my eye at the library the other day. I initially picked it up thinking that it would have content that I could share with my students this semester. Perhaps it could help to motivate and inspire them to be confident and creative in their presentations. As I started reading the book, I realized that the true reason I selected the book was because of my own passion about using oral presentations as a way to convey purpose and inspire change in my audience. I am passionate about creating the opportunity for individuals to pull themselves out of a life of conflict and to help them see that there are other options out there. That they themselves are capable of being the change that they want in their lives. That is my goal every day whether it is with a class of 100 level community college students, the CEO of a Fortune 500 company or a small non-profit: It also applies to the individuals that I meet every day in mediation. I want to inspire others to develop and create realities that reflect the life they seek for themselves.
Gallo quotes Professor Melissa Cardon in regards to her presentation about entrepreneurship and passion: "a positive, intense feeling that you experience for something that is profoundly meaningful for you as an individual". "Passion" is frequently only associated with amorous or sexual feelings which tends to be seen as measurable. But have ever listened to someone who had such intense feelings about a topic or hobby or idea? Did you feel pulled in, enthralled by them? Unable to explain why this person is capable of casting such a spell with their words? According to Gallo, one of the successful formats for TED talks is a result of the passionate force of the speaker. He further suggests that truly inspiring TED speakers actually encompass the idea of what makes their "heart sing". What are you passionate about? What makes your heart sing? One is a focused question, the second is open ended and gets to the core of the individuals drive. TED attracts many passionate and knowledgable speakers but it is those that are able to go beyond, to what makes their heart sing, that seem to stand out.
These ideas spoke volumes to me. Something has been missing in my life and in the way I present myself. Sure, I can go through the motions necessary to get the "job done" and most wouldn't be the wiser. Yet, there is a reason that I chose to work in alternative dispute resolution with the intent of teaching and training. I can take comfort in knowing mediators are one of the oldest professions and a role that will always have its place in society. I am passionate about creating a world where everyone has access to justice. But what makes my heart sing is when another feels empowered to stand up for what they believe and change their narrative to a story that reflects the person and life that they intend to be and have. To know that my presence made a difference in one persons life, perhaps not at that moment, but later on when they felt confident to make those changes that created self empowerment.
As I continue to read through Talk Like TED, I realize that this book found its way to me because it is what I need right now. A guidebook to help me reflect on my own narrative and remember that I am empowered to create the story of my own life that reflects what makes my own heart sing. I want to convey passion and inspiration at the level of TED speakers in all ways that I communicate with others. From my website and business card, to the mediation room, classroom and public forum. What makes your heart sing?
Gallo quotes Professor Melissa Cardon in regards to her presentation about entrepreneurship and passion: "a positive, intense feeling that you experience for something that is profoundly meaningful for you as an individual". "Passion" is frequently only associated with amorous or sexual feelings which tends to be seen as measurable. But have ever listened to someone who had such intense feelings about a topic or hobby or idea? Did you feel pulled in, enthralled by them? Unable to explain why this person is capable of casting such a spell with their words? According to Gallo, one of the successful formats for TED talks is a result of the passionate force of the speaker. He further suggests that truly inspiring TED speakers actually encompass the idea of what makes their "heart sing". What are you passionate about? What makes your heart sing? One is a focused question, the second is open ended and gets to the core of the individuals drive. TED attracts many passionate and knowledgable speakers but it is those that are able to go beyond, to what makes their heart sing, that seem to stand out.
These ideas spoke volumes to me. Something has been missing in my life and in the way I present myself. Sure, I can go through the motions necessary to get the "job done" and most wouldn't be the wiser. Yet, there is a reason that I chose to work in alternative dispute resolution with the intent of teaching and training. I can take comfort in knowing mediators are one of the oldest professions and a role that will always have its place in society. I am passionate about creating a world where everyone has access to justice. But what makes my heart sing is when another feels empowered to stand up for what they believe and change their narrative to a story that reflects the person and life that they intend to be and have. To know that my presence made a difference in one persons life, perhaps not at that moment, but later on when they felt confident to make those changes that created self empowerment.
As I continue to read through Talk Like TED, I realize that this book found its way to me because it is what I need right now. A guidebook to help me reflect on my own narrative and remember that I am empowered to create the story of my own life that reflects what makes my own heart sing. I want to convey passion and inspiration at the level of TED speakers in all ways that I communicate with others. From my website and business card, to the mediation room, classroom and public forum. What makes your heart sing?
Monday, October 14, 2013
Commitment to Best Practices
Soon after I opened my mediation practice, I sought a professional organization that both reflected my needs as a practitioner and also promoted high standards in the alternative dispute resolution practices. The Association for Conflict Resolution (ACR) was created about 14 years ago after merging three separate but similar organizations in the interest in of collaborating and channeling funding sources. ACR encompasses alternative dispute resolution practitioners that include mediators, trainers, facilitators, arbitrators, conflict coaches, educators and researchers. The three arms of ACR are practitioners, education and research that relates to alternative dispute resolution processes.
Within ACR are sections to help further specific areas within the organization. One of these sections is the Workplace Section which is second in size only to the Family Section. Three years ago I became one of the tri-chairs for the Workplace Section. Recently, I was elected to the ACR Board of Directors and am now at the beginning of a 3 year commitment. This is my first experience at serving on a board. I have been tasked with growing and retaining membership as the commitee chair which will be a challenge given that many associations and organizations are faced with a decline in membership. A priority is working with the ACR board on making membership in ACR a value and standard for those that offer professional practices in alternative dispute resolution. Part of this includes educating the public about the work that ACR does to develop and raise standards around alternative dispute resolution, promote continuing education, provide certification of training programs, build community and networks within our field, recognize advanced practitioners and continue to hold annual conferences.
While ACR does not "certify" mediators and practitioners, there is an expectation that professionals in their field belong to an association that promotes ethical standards of performance. Curiously, physicians do not have to belong to the American Medical Association nor do they have to be board certified. Given the choice, wouldn't you prefer to have a physician who subscribes to standards of the AMA over another physician who does not? Who has services that are more valuable to you as a potential patient putting their health in the hands of another? Who would you trust more? The same can be said for mediators and other alternative dispute resolution practitioners. This field is not generally regulated and just about anybody who attends a basic mediation training will call themselves a mediator. Florida is one of the only states that actually certifies their mediators. Hawai'i does not certify mediators so if someone claims to be "certified", I would ask more questions about their experience, training and overall qualifications including if they have a membership with ACR.
This Thursday is Conflict Resolution Day which represents the promotion, value and practices of alternative dispute resolution throughout the world. I like to think of it as "hug a mediator" day, too. The Mayor of Maui and the County Council are both involved with issuing proclamations and resolutions to recognize the contribution alternative dispute resolution practices have provided for our community, families, workplaces and world at large. And although we officially get one day each year, I hope that I represent the values and practices of alternative dispute resolution the other 364 days, too.
Within ACR are sections to help further specific areas within the organization. One of these sections is the Workplace Section which is second in size only to the Family Section. Three years ago I became one of the tri-chairs for the Workplace Section. Recently, I was elected to the ACR Board of Directors and am now at the beginning of a 3 year commitment. This is my first experience at serving on a board. I have been tasked with growing and retaining membership as the commitee chair which will be a challenge given that many associations and organizations are faced with a decline in membership. A priority is working with the ACR board on making membership in ACR a value and standard for those that offer professional practices in alternative dispute resolution. Part of this includes educating the public about the work that ACR does to develop and raise standards around alternative dispute resolution, promote continuing education, provide certification of training programs, build community and networks within our field, recognize advanced practitioners and continue to hold annual conferences.
While ACR does not "certify" mediators and practitioners, there is an expectation that professionals in their field belong to an association that promotes ethical standards of performance. Curiously, physicians do not have to belong to the American Medical Association nor do they have to be board certified. Given the choice, wouldn't you prefer to have a physician who subscribes to standards of the AMA over another physician who does not? Who has services that are more valuable to you as a potential patient putting their health in the hands of another? Who would you trust more? The same can be said for mediators and other alternative dispute resolution practitioners. This field is not generally regulated and just about anybody who attends a basic mediation training will call themselves a mediator. Florida is one of the only states that actually certifies their mediators. Hawai'i does not certify mediators so if someone claims to be "certified", I would ask more questions about their experience, training and overall qualifications including if they have a membership with ACR.
This Thursday is Conflict Resolution Day which represents the promotion, value and practices of alternative dispute resolution throughout the world. I like to think of it as "hug a mediator" day, too. The Mayor of Maui and the County Council are both involved with issuing proclamations and resolutions to recognize the contribution alternative dispute resolution practices have provided for our community, families, workplaces and world at large. And although we officially get one day each year, I hope that I represent the values and practices of alternative dispute resolution the other 364 days, too.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Conflict Resolution Day
In 2005, the Association for Conflict Resolution conceived Conflict Resolution Day and designated the 3rd Thursday of October as the annual date.
The purpose of Conflict Resolution Day includes:
The purpose of Conflict Resolution Day includes:
- To Promote awareness of mediation, arbitration, conciliation and other creative, peaceful means of resolving conflict
- To promote the use of conflict resolution in schools, families, businesses, communities, governments and the legal system
- To recognize the significant contributions of (peaceful) conflict resolvers
- To obtain national synergy by having celebrations happen across the country and around the world on the same day
Common Ground is working on a collaboration with Mediation Services of Maui to create an alternative dispute resolution (ADR) event in December. Mayor Arakawa issued a proclamation declaring October 18th as Conflict Resolution Day for Maui County. And across the world, from the UK to the US Dept of Energy in Washington D.C. to New York, Chicago, New Mexico and Oakland, California, workplaces, universities, and governmental groups are coming together to recognize the significance of this day.
I'd like to add "hug a mediator" to the events for today...Maui style!
You can help me support our efforts by recommending a mediator or ADR professional the next time you see individuals or groups in conflict. There are many ways to approach resolution. It doesn't have to be adversarial, costly, unbalanced or unresolved. There are options. Spread the word!
Mahalo nui loa!
For more information about events commemorating Conflict Resolution Day, here is the link.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
NOLA and Peace
Last week found me intentionally in New Orleans at the annual Association for Conflict Resolution conference. The conflict resolution (CR) field is actually very small compared to other associations such as the American Bar Association. I am able to sit next to a published author in one workshop and then attend a presentation by the very same professional later on in the afternoon. The CR folks are a very generous and committed group of professionals. We have a great diversity in practices with many wearing multiple hats: mediators, facilitators, trainers, educators, ombudspersons, conflict coaches, arbitrators and attorneys. We share best practices, theories and techniques and help generate ideas for growing our business by learning what others are doing across the nation.
Hawai'i is represented at the conference that it is heavily populated by practitioners from the east coast. Many of the nonprofit and governmental agencies are located between Washington D.C. and New York so this geographically makes sense. To my knowledge, there were 3 of us from Hawai'i and I was the only one from Maui. What this means to conflict resolution in Hawai'i is that there are many untapped opportunities for strengthening communication and building stronger discourse in our communities. Over the upcoming blogs I will focus on these areas.
Our keynote presenter was Leymah Gbowee http://leymahgbowee.com/. She is a Nobel Laureate who provided ACR with a memorable and motivating speech about the work she is doing in Liberia. She is in great demand as a speaker and we were very fortunate to have her present at our conference.
A thought I want to leave you with is regarding debates: how do we shift from having debates to dialogue in the election season? Imagine what could transpire if we shifted from the standard positional debate responses to dialoging about what the true interests and needs of our nation are; the people as a whole. Using real voices and real solutions to bring us together as opposed to separating us as being different. Are we really all that different? If you were from a different country, you would see ALL Americans as belonging to one group. Heck, if you were an alien from outer space, you would see ALL humans as a belonging to one group. So why do we focus so heavily on creating a divide through sub-groups within a dominate group? Yes, it is partially human nature but it is also one of our greatest weaknesses.
Hawai'i is represented at the conference that it is heavily populated by practitioners from the east coast. Many of the nonprofit and governmental agencies are located between Washington D.C. and New York so this geographically makes sense. To my knowledge, there were 3 of us from Hawai'i and I was the only one from Maui. What this means to conflict resolution in Hawai'i is that there are many untapped opportunities for strengthening communication and building stronger discourse in our communities. Over the upcoming blogs I will focus on these areas.
Our keynote presenter was Leymah Gbowee http://leymahgbowee.com/. She is a Nobel Laureate who provided ACR with a memorable and motivating speech about the work she is doing in Liberia. She is in great demand as a speaker and we were very fortunate to have her present at our conference.
A thought I want to leave you with is regarding debates: how do we shift from having debates to dialogue in the election season? Imagine what could transpire if we shifted from the standard positional debate responses to dialoging about what the true interests and needs of our nation are; the people as a whole. Using real voices and real solutions to bring us together as opposed to separating us as being different. Are we really all that different? If you were from a different country, you would see ALL Americans as belonging to one group. Heck, if you were an alien from outer space, you would see ALL humans as a belonging to one group. So why do we focus so heavily on creating a divide through sub-groups within a dominate group? Yes, it is partially human nature but it is also one of our greatest weaknesses.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Hurricane Musings
Hurricanes are part of life when you live in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. Fortunately, the Pacific is named the Pacific because it is a relatively calm and balanced ocean. While I have sympathy for those that are impacted by hurricanes that are generated in the Atlantic, I usually count my blessings for not living there. The east coast of North America has all the humidity, rain and severe weather without the cooling trade winds of the Hawaiian Islands.
However, since New Orleans is on the schedule for a conference in a couple of weeks, I'm tuning into the weather happenings a little more closely. I'm selfishly hoping that Isaac does its thing gently and that there is a reprieve for the 10 days I will be in the hurricane zone. September is generally the month, whether Pacific or Atlantic, for destructive hurricanes although there are exceptions to this.
There are certain things in our lives that we really have no control over and weather is one of them. We can be prepared and informed to make the best decision about our safety and survival but we are unable to overlay any control over Mother Nature. This is true for forest fires. I heard on NPR a while back a discussion by some expert suggesting that we would benefit by looking at forest fires as naturally occurring events, much like hurricanes, instead of always trying to prevent and control them. Fires are just another way that the planet cleans and renews itself. At least that is one way to look at it.
We hear the term "fight" frequently when there is discussion about changing or stopping things that happen to otherwise innocent people. "Fight cancer", "fight illiteracy", "fight bullying". I find the term of "fight" to be way off base of what really needs to happen to invoke the desired change. Are we putting up are fists and beating down cancer or would we be better served discovering the source of the mutation and doing things to correct and cure the cause? The image of "fight" is very powerful and helps one feel like they gain strength in the goal of creating different outcomes but it is an illusion. We need to understand the source, the needs and interests in order to create a lasting change.
While we cannot control weather and many of the things that happen to us, we can control how we react. As a society, we can invoke change only by investing in understanding the causes of things. When we are talking about people and conflicts that they are faced with, this means taking the time to understand all parties interests and needs, and working together to create a collaborative solution. What are the needs of Mother Nature? I can't exactly speak for her but keeping soil healthy and fertile to support growth would seem like one need. Hence, forest fires help to remove undergrowth and open up light passages for endemic plants to grow. Not so sure what the needs are related to hurricanes, though, but there must be some purpose and need?
The term "fight" automatically puts up a barrier. Let's put down the imaginary fists and start looking at what the underlying issues are and work from there. Invite all parties to the table and give a voice to those that don't have one (such as children and Mother Nature). Work together and see what solutions can be generated in collaboration.
However, since New Orleans is on the schedule for a conference in a couple of weeks, I'm tuning into the weather happenings a little more closely. I'm selfishly hoping that Isaac does its thing gently and that there is a reprieve for the 10 days I will be in the hurricane zone. September is generally the month, whether Pacific or Atlantic, for destructive hurricanes although there are exceptions to this.
There are certain things in our lives that we really have no control over and weather is one of them. We can be prepared and informed to make the best decision about our safety and survival but we are unable to overlay any control over Mother Nature. This is true for forest fires. I heard on NPR a while back a discussion by some expert suggesting that we would benefit by looking at forest fires as naturally occurring events, much like hurricanes, instead of always trying to prevent and control them. Fires are just another way that the planet cleans and renews itself. At least that is one way to look at it.
We hear the term "fight" frequently when there is discussion about changing or stopping things that happen to otherwise innocent people. "Fight cancer", "fight illiteracy", "fight bullying". I find the term of "fight" to be way off base of what really needs to happen to invoke the desired change. Are we putting up are fists and beating down cancer or would we be better served discovering the source of the mutation and doing things to correct and cure the cause? The image of "fight" is very powerful and helps one feel like they gain strength in the goal of creating different outcomes but it is an illusion. We need to understand the source, the needs and interests in order to create a lasting change.
While we cannot control weather and many of the things that happen to us, we can control how we react. As a society, we can invoke change only by investing in understanding the causes of things. When we are talking about people and conflicts that they are faced with, this means taking the time to understand all parties interests and needs, and working together to create a collaborative solution. What are the needs of Mother Nature? I can't exactly speak for her but keeping soil healthy and fertile to support growth would seem like one need. Hence, forest fires help to remove undergrowth and open up light passages for endemic plants to grow. Not so sure what the needs are related to hurricanes, though, but there must be some purpose and need?
The term "fight" automatically puts up a barrier. Let's put down the imaginary fists and start looking at what the underlying issues are and work from there. Invite all parties to the table and give a voice to those that don't have one (such as children and Mother Nature). Work together and see what solutions can be generated in collaboration.
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