Where are the Children's Needs in Divorce?

The New Year reminds many of us that we still carry over with us from the previous year(s) unfinished business.  Unfortunately for many children, the unfinished business is that of their parents challenges with figuring out how to co-parent effectively.  As a mediator, my workload shifts from general conflicts to family issues, primarily needs around creating or modifying a parenting plan.  This unfolds usually with one parent who has been part of a co-parenting plan that has had to compromise and due to changing circumstances or unwillingness to take it anymore, contacts the mediator in hopes of getting the other parent to be open to meet with them and hear options for making changes to the plan.  If these parents had also gone through a divorce, the parenting plan that their attorney "helped" them get more than likely set up one or both of the parents for frustration and failure.  They may have already been financially and emotionally drained through the court process and are hoping to find a collaborative and less adversarial process to discuss the desired changes.

Notice in the above paragraph, I do not once mention the children for whom this co-parenting plan was supposedly developed for.  That is because many of these plans are not developed with the needs of the children as the primary focus.  Unfortunately it becomes about parent "rights" and power over the other parent.  Even the name of "parenting" plan excludes the child's voice; it is not the child plan or child sharing or child raising plan.  And if you have an attorney "working" for you, that attorney is not working for your child and the parenting plan that they "get" for you may not really take what your child needs into consideration.

What does your child want and need?  What about their rights for self-determination?  Ask any child, even an adult of divorced parents, what they want from their parents and for themselves.  I offer these universal child needs:
1.  To have parents that can get along when it comes to me
2.  To have access to both parents
3.  To have access to extended family
4.  To not have to choose between parents
5.  To not have to deal with adult issues
6.  To be the person that I want to be and not have my parents' issues get in the way of that
7.  To be kind to each other
8.  To have my needs of love, security and shelter met

Children deserve more than what our patriarchal divorce system offers to them.  They did not choose to be born, they did not choose you as parents, they did not choose to have you decide that you no longer love each other and they certainly did not decide that it was okay for either of you to use the child as a pawn in your attempts to hurt or have power over the other. 

Merle Weiner, a professor of law at University of Oregon School of Law, has offered the concept of Parent-Partner Status.  She has published a text book of the same name.  Her motivation for this book comes from the realization that two people can have a child together and have no legal obligation to each other as parents; the law clearly defines the obligations of marriage between 2 people but not as 2 people that are parents in common.  There is no statute protecting the rights of children as products of a union between 2 parents.  Ms. Weiner is an advocate for children's rights and does so as an expert and professor of law.  Link here to learn more about her work.

I happened to hear Ms. Weiner on OPB as I drove into work one day.  Apparently I am not alone in my frustration with our system.  I had recently coined the term "preconceptual" agreement that borrows from the "prenuptial" agreement that many people agree to prior to marriage.  The idea of the preconcep is that partners have a written agreement about how they will co-parent should the two of them break-up in the future.  With the increase in single parents and over 50% of marriages ending in divorce, to not have this discussion and agreement prior is both naive and irresponsible.  This agreement could be very simple:  it would reflect the 8 needs that I have offered above. 

It is a New Year and we have the awareness and opportunity to create different outcomes for our families and children.  I hope the seed is planted, that you feel some discomfort and concern.  I will follow up on my next blog on how we can create healthier families and children through the idea of "preconceptual" agreements.

Equality in our Laws

Every generation has its thematic movements and issues.  We have had women's rights, civil rights, constitutional rights, anti-war opposition, etc.  In 2016, is history repeating itself or is the true theme that we have yet to constructively address the issues?  The movements I have mentioned are all based on rights:  rights to equality, right to self-determination, right to marry legally, right to carry a gun, rights to equal justice, rights to practice (or not practice) religion.  Why are we still not addressing the underlying issues in our society?  And in an election year, why aren't we supporting or identifying leadership that is part of the solution; not a distraction from what really matters to Americans and all humans for that matter?

The latter part is something that I do understand as a mediator.  After listening to 100's of individuals in conflict, I have learned that humans truly all have the same basic needs:  food, shelter, security, ability to take care of self and family.  Frequently these are the only issues that are considered when addressing societal issues by our leaders.  Consider Maslow's Hierarchy of needs:  love and belongingness, self esteem and achieving mastery as we self-actualize.  In the first two levels of physiological and biological, and safety needs, much emphasis is placed on "laws" in our society.  However, "laws" are not applied evenly.  When our laws are created by a particular sect in society, say ones that are able to achieve the higher levels of needs due to their societal "privelege", the "laws" may prevent others who are not of the same privelege from even meeting their own need of safety and security.  Or perhaps the way safety and security are attained looks very different from the "law" makers.

While I have had the opportunity to live where I was a minority, I could always hop on a plane and return to a society where I could exercise my "white" privilege.  Granted, as a middle-aged woman, I do experience a certain amount of discrimination:  wage equality and gender bias.  I have learned to adapt and create opportunities for myself that are outside of the limited thinking that would otherwise impact my ability to self-actualize.

Next week, I will be participating in a community forum to dialog about racism.  While I hope that I am not completely blind to it, I do want to understand my role in it and what I can do to address my biases, create equitable opportunities and reduce racism in our community.  I am both excited and nervous about my participation and look forward to challenging my own beliefs and ideas.

In 2016, one of my goals is to be more comfortable and understanding of challenges and opportunities for people who are not like me and to stop thinking of these issues as "their" problem.  We are all in this together; let's start thinking together to create a society that allows for equal rights for all.